Only God Can Provide

Well, I made it this far. Weeks of classes prepared me for my first day of clinical, for care of patients, and to be a part of the healthcare team. I began nursing school with the expectation that this year would be like my previous college years: I would have classes, go home, do homework, pray to God before exams, and sleep—then do it again the next day. But nothing can truly prepare you for your first day of clinical. I entered the hospital and felt overwhelmingly unqualified. It was 5:30 a.m., more than an hour before nurses started the day shift, so I could look at my one patient's chart and make sure I understood what I had to do. I logged on to the computer and the electronic medical record looked like a foreign language. No one had told me what the acronyms meant, and I could not see when I was supposed to give medications. I had so many questions—and being able to care for my patient was at stake. Before that moment I had never felt the need for God in school; now I felt my need for his help in every second, every moment, and every breath. After sitting at a computer for an hour, with absolutely no understanding of the patient and his needs, what can you do except pray? In the last 30 seconds before the shift started, I prayed my first breath prayer at clinical. Inhale, "I live by faith; exhale, not by sight." Then I was off to try and understand my first hand-off report. God provided. Four hours into clinical, I knew he was holding my hand. It was not about worrying five steps ahead; it was about taking the very next step God put in front of me and giving him the rest. The next step God put in front of me was observing a patient intubation. When I entered the room, I faced my first encounter in an environment with a crash team. It was a shocking experience; even worse, the patient was conscious. Like most nurses, I am empathetic. Empathy makes me a good nurse. But I never understood how empathy could affect you in a clinical setting. I was standing in the corner of the hospital room, watching this man panic and gag as physicians attempted to intubate him. He looked so afraid and I could feel his pain when he choked from the tube pushing down his throat. It took all my power not to cry. The team focused on helping him, but nobody had time to see the patient—what he was feeling, what was happening to him. I watched as people rushed to care for him, but he suffered alone. In those moments, what can you do except pray? "The LORD sees us; the LORD hears us." All I could do in that moment to help this man was to pray and trust God would be with and care for him. I reached the end of the day. I wished I did not carry the people I was leaving behind with me, but they stayed in my mind and heart. Nursing school is teaching me a lot. But only God can empower me and give me heart knowledge to care for my patients. Only God can provide for the patients while I am there or when I leave. Taking God into every moment of every day is very different from only looking to him intermittently. Knowing I absolutely need him to make it through each moment grows my love and dependence on God. I would not give up being dependent on God for anything, because in each second of every day, he shows me his grace, his peace, and his kindness as he leads me through every challenge. I have slowly learned to give each of my patients up to God. I am slowly learning, too, what it means to give my own well-being up to God. There is nothing in the world he cannot manage. He has promised that he loves us, and he does not leave the people he loves.