The Bishop

Much is said about how difficult it is to be a saint, how saintliness is impossible to achieve, and yet I must explain that I once was a saint. Perhaps not quite so but on the best road toward saintliness. No, please don't be shocked, I don't intend to blaspheme, or try to be silly, or make fun of saintliness. Just be patient for a moment, and I'll make it all clear beginning with a modest theory and ending with practice, appropriately from my own example. Everyone will soon realize that I'm being serious, far from joking. More than serious, that I say this quite solemnly, with deep conviction, and that if there is in my explanation some mistake or error it was made in good faith, with no intention to offend anyone.After all, this has nothing to do with scholastic debates; only in the church parlance or some Vatican registers the word “saint” indicates canonized saint. Besides, anyone who had achieved or deserves achieving salvation is a saint. Perhaps I am not in agreement with some church teachings but am convinced that that's how this attribution ought to be understood. I often imagine how in heaven any, pardon me, little schlump could be equal to saint Francis. This thought seemed to me reassuring, aiding my ambitions to be saved. I'd approach the task practically, counting on the minimum that I felt strong enough to accomplish. I didn't aim for more, not to spoil my concrete chances. But better not to elaborate on this subject, who knows to what backwoods such theological reasoning may take me, although a theoretical introduction is necessary. On the other hand, theologians may not always have it easy in such delicate matters. Having read, and memorized, school catechism, and gone over some details with Father Maurycy, I built my own system which I decided to hold on to on my way to becoming a saint. Then in my dreams I'd see a humble saint who just passed through the heavenly gate and received the eternal crown. Someone may see it as unjust that she'd now be equal to all other saved ones. Equality always has its weak sides. But I kept telling myself: she's been saved, so she is a saint. Only this much needs to be achieved.Let's for a moment take the actual Church saints, those canonized and officially confirmed. I very much enjoyed reading the lives of saints and became convinced that saints were different from one another. The difference was in the quality. There's a battling evangelist, here a village priest additionally a stutterer who, as was said by his parishioners, could not because of this impediment deliver a proper sermon—though reading this between the lines one could guess he had probably little to say anyhow. There are saints of whom very little is known and too much of the others. Poring through The Lives I couldn't decide which one to imitate, this or that one would simply be impossible to follow, and my abilities were limited. I rejected the legendary saints from the early years of Christianity and of course all canonized popes, saints who performed many miracles, and those who died young. At last, I was left with a small body of saints who I felt I could like. These I imitated, but to a degree. Because, as if fearing fire, I had to be on the watch for the sin of pride, the most insidious of all sins.In a little black notebook I'd write, or rather mark using a code of my own invention, my usually rather meager sins, small offenses, and misdemeanors. In thick lines I divided the pages into sections for lies, vanity, pride, envy, absence of humility in contemplation and prayers. Envy was the hardest to conquer because consciously and subconsciously I envied the safe origins of everyone I met. As much as I could, I tried to push aside questions of my identity, complex and unsolvable then as well as later, in which I wished to believe but could not visualize. But other sins or faults were easy to master. After each misstep sincere repentance would suffice. In this way I performed a continuous examination of conscience, keeping my sins constantly up front. Other than the sin of envy, which in my case had a special status, I found it the hardest, not unlike all saints, to draw a line between humility and pride. Souls bigger than mine sweated over that, for the matter is delicate and unclear. Also, I spent a lot of time on penitence and prayers. I did not try to fast because there wasn't much to eat, and one could receive dispensation for any kind of food except for meat on Fridays—an empty gesture since we hardly ever had any meat and never saw fish. I collected and kept in my prayer book church-fair pictures of various persons who “died in the opinion of saintliness.” Knowledge that they were not going to be canonized gave me satisfaction. These persons, I thought, certainly achieved salvation. What a pretty expression, “opinion of saintliness!” It turned out that I too acquired something of an opinion. Sometimes Mother Superior passing through a corridor and seeing me praying, beads in hand, would say: pray for me too, my child.I shared one bedroom with Ola and Halina, and my piety didn't at all bother them or put them off. On the contrary, it made them feel entitled to use me for their various errands, or borrow small sums of money from me, as if I were sort of officially obliged to perform good deeds and therefore couldn't refuse. Halina belonged to a category of girls who think only of themselves and probably would grow up to be the same kind of woman. She'd say herself that she was pretty, which in the girl world was a no-no. Also, she'd occasionally say mean things about the nuns. For example, why, when they so longed to go heaven, believed all that to be unquestionably true, were they so afraid of bombardment? I'd defend the nuns, which Halina expected I would, and which she enjoyed the most in these discussions. A human being, I declared sententiously, possesses an instinct. An instinct that commands us to run away from death. I heard it once in Father Maurycy's sermon. Father Maurycy was Polish and didn't speak good Slovak. After two months of living in Slovakia, I spoke it much better than he, and he himself agreed. Not that he preached often, only when no other priest could be found to come. Quoting him I was certain that no one else understood Father Maurycy's Slovak and therefore nobody could accuse me of plagiarism. As for Halina she always dozed during sermons, even the shortest or most uplifting. After that general thing about bombardment, she'd go on harping on individual sisters, one after another. Mother Teresa was simply evil. Mother Urszula did not have the calling and should have stayed in the world, Sister Portress was a gossip.Ola, the third girl in our room, was always in some trouble. Every day the sisters would scold her, accuse her of ingratitude. Ola was a full orphan, didn't have any relatives. The sisters took her in out of mercy, her father used to be the convent's gardener. They had no actual obligations toward her, and she should have been in a regular orphanage. They'd tell her this up front. It was somewhat understood that when she got older, she would enter the convent. In the meantime, however, Ola would misbehave, was rebellious, argued with the sisters, and altogether be a nuisance. She was particularly mean to the novices, who were not allowed to speak up, couldn't defend themselves. She was afraid only of Mother Superior. Many a night I heard her crying. Once, in the washroom, Halina wasn't there, she burst out in loud tears and told me that there was nothing left for her in life, only a dignified grave.Summer arrived. Lying in bed, in total darkness secured by covered windows, I dreamed about long-ago vacations. Half asleep, my thoughts jumped on green lawn, on the veranda of a country house, on warm sand. I was my pre-war self and at the same time already transformed. A continuation of a girl back then but more so of someone entirely different. Simultaneously then, now, and mostly in an unknown future. And simultaneously, I was not free from a sense of menacing and near danger. I don't know how long I'd been in that state when suddenly the door opened and the glow from a flashlight swept over the room. All three of us jumped up on our bedding. Mother Superior switched on the light and in an instant turned it off. Closing the door, she said to the Slovak policemen: “And these are my girls.”They left. Darkness wrapped us again. Ola was crying. Halina murmured: “They must be looking for Jews.” Ola said between sobs: “Jews? In the convent? Are they mad?” Through a thin pillow I felt the pressure of the little black notebook, the register of my sins. I started to pray to St Teresa of the Child Jesus. At the same time, I wondered if they came because of denunciation or just so. Mother Superior won't tell. She never makes any allusions to my status, treats me as she does Halina, as she does Ola, but is it wise? No one—not ever, not in any matter —questions the wisdom and authority of Mother but could my be to all those other which Mother Superior my in a what time was it if they had they came at how it was in in the that to But did it to the free and only on but Halina it because I The time of which in other to be At a I thought about the who did not I wasn't to think about feel any to But I thought about many or It was not I that All here was nothing except for just me and in the and the and All the Only to them could I for only they had no for and were And there was the by the and Father But this which it must be said performed quite well in my had not even its to other to about they were in danger. Mother Superior by on a no to me, a of because an girl would be on some Father Maurycy, in hand, was between The little on the Halina up a she was for the a and easy then to She said that soon her would to She had a and that's she Halina in the convent. the to the a Halina the she said and into a green It was and she made a this she “They the She for a moment then out the she had and the far away to the she declared world was but it was It could be in of various for it was so very no and and the father who over and an near enough to for a world did not was what I I had to I'd into it much I one it Halina the with pride. Then she up the and took off. Father Maurycy at me the A his something out of to it I wondered what it could A a I to think it was a the the the or a some very unknown to There were just such and nothing to do with In the someone to the which out the of the This world in in that other The and Sister over the fast to the gardener. took his and his but with clear of in the of Sister And they their me, here it got to and someone would for I had nothing in with them since I wasn't there on that didn't with them the most And in that I had no other no other but to the on this the of the and I was more and more to be an because not a had the to I to be to by an hand, the a and The modest the and were always It seemed that this was not so much as to run in its own The was not too yet one felt that although the toward on and on this of their was only a They here in and in to better to the other I understood that these contemplation and that this heavenly were a who in the Not a Polish since they with each other and had no to a girl and a came from to Slovakia, and had had Polish school thought himself a she didn't be it Polish or Slovak. She in the Father Maurycy them from the when been at one of the in the was would take And that way they had a in to go to see Father Maurycy, to have a her of her the of the Father Maurycy her because she came a green had no what this was all she only to the and even there just to to at the and to decide what to are he at started to Father Maurycy left to a her with an then Sister to me go out with her to a by the in her green pretty and by in and in No one to at I could see her as if in a I saw her the to one could the best in the most For a moment I life, as I the lives of many other and they at me and because they didn't know who I in this me, this little at this was out of the of my I with fearing no from anyone as long as she But it could not had her own life, the would I would to my it would have been to just to she'd have hardly Then she me in did I have a I Then she said that she had some and would a for And she did me the this and that, she spent a good of money on The was the I had ever But it with of the over all of There could be some who understood what had it and that it was going to But for all was not only in my this country a Much of it felt an therefore no one was when the and no was one other Polish in a there by some from used to her with Father They in an had I was Father Maurycy tried to the The was much than the when he was be But most often he was out to the a to in her But she very I and after an Father Maurycy would Once, quite the to the a of Mother Superior the money in her the was by The lines far On about passed there, Sometimes from its an The were well They were the the the the the with through this of At our time the girls to the of this They dreamed about a in which they too, with a would There were some other but no one to Besides, was passed day and They the on between and as by now, through to to were the The girls to on that since sisters long about the constantly and in that near the the my would and run as as to the with their The with but the girls were not and kept The were very long and at at night the would the quite different from the and of the was and we to the of a particularly Sister in even we were allowed to at Sister said to Sister “And this too is a The seemed to be now now and is Sister Sister should not be The Father in the Vatican should It got The a the and something and in the I to about those who away from me, whom I have known about in my early but all the of their and were little by little deep into my I thought, I ought to be somewhat more about the who were on were these with this at the into a after their I never this won't who they were even been told that they were just quite all and that it was only which put them on this of a different I it to although at some I will have to it and tell and once for all, that since they on the rather than in it was by a of by A to on my and the road I didn't to with On the It was I often that I did not on from a lot of things I For example, I to know that the of St of the Child was for many years thought to be a and now that it is looking and from the and too pretty to have such a She was and are as a matter of course to be She became my saint for just that as pretty and could see that she performed miracles, pressure to her that are necessary. But the the St have over of faith, but don't those were different The turned her a her of the but I pray at the to the little St her to for at in the of our Ola started to about her have it she and that's And What I do with to No no I the it She into her I that she was her they the the the of Ola that this was than death. A dignified She kept it over and she had it A dignified A has is sort of but in I wondered what when one has no more sins. one is of such a I could feel my black notebook the was a only humility a pride, pride, humility I over the of the between the and passed in and good I tried to the Ola, spent long in the could this Ola to and that she would not enter the convent. Halina any day expected to see her who never did the out of of Mother Superior. a in Slovakia, a church state with the who was a wasn't a The my only to the world, one the now were the which with each day got At night we heard a of a Then the at the soon after the was expected to come. In our Ola, her said that she now what she was going to She'd herself at the and him to her from the convent. “And then we since we didn't believe her would take me with Ola was going to some do just realize that I don't have the be Halina the already he may not up at And when all No more no more was that's true, but the did come. Halina, the of On this Halina with Sister Teresa about a Sister Teresa said that it was not necessary. is not the no to Also, last, she that it is Halina when the door not going to my of she did the with the world, the the darkness of the after long I wondered if anyone was about me, was somewhat for me, or had I a of the no one who I when I had Father Maurycy been for he stayed at some village he was an The were about the in the the general Sometimes I that I'd into the Perhaps only now, unlike I saw as I was by other As a identity, even I'd into the and nothing else had been left me, no no for of that that I used to I was in in the Sometimes in there in my an that I ought not to any but these were only by some or Once, when I was in the I when as a small girl I was allowed to with a I could the of that in full I thought about and sins, faith, that, nothing her Halina to Mother Superior. I don't know what for since was already Mother Superior with Sister And Halina had to to Mother for the a is not a or a these are only All is a Halina was but had to take it in the bedroom she Mother up her and her She did it and Ola and I couldn't to dispensation for in these except were to the and I must that I was by the than I'd was too sisters and the moment, and when it when I to with the there was nothing about All we felt was the of the nuns, we if our was just The by a of nuns, some from the by a not of I don't know if or in with by the I felt by my to on which I and too as I'd toward eternal I that all saints had and that these may even my but my was somewhat I in my and in code these In the notebook than it used and I couldn't I got up, to be put on a for me by Sister and decided to go to the to for or at some was not in a sisters me there and it in the was after all not the same as in the reading couldn't to or for which Ola was once I the bedroom The corridor was one small in of the I fast the of which to by the girls and which now couldn't decide to school the were I had the in of In the light there from the corridor I felt for the and one on the came at them and there was no way to They near a in the the of the a small In the they too as if to some The and Mother Superior. I didn't know what to do with Mother a in the of a of the was even it was up to her to speak to to go to the I at to I was that something was going to must But to nothing the had not me, nothing of any my the And then I saw how he the the the the full of my I that this was a and who makes a lot of and to better with not unlike At the same time these thoughts me, that a of a to the much reading turned my Sister Portress was in telling me his on my the other he made a of the in of my were but I didn't back Mother Superior said the night with the I I don't know why, a that the road to which I'd was not for It was not but any to a saint needs to simply their own The was not over rather for some time Perhaps the that I my little black notebook to the I couldn't it and I had to the with the that it saved in of The and I'd far away from those years I in a that the had been I was living in and there was a about it in a I to the Slovak in of the then I quite my so I it in I was with my because in the of the I was a even I was already at a Not that I believed that him Also, he not have wished to be and if be only to back to his was his Father Maurycy would And he to in the of I had no that the was on the road to and with day in the of and the of the As for I from that my even it to me that not all is that if I only my hand, it could be I'm too for a little black notebook, but there must be some other I that way back then I was on the best road to saintliness who if I had not the notebook Sometimes such a on human