Unshared Loss and Marital Conflict*

The authors have noted in marital therapy a pattern wherein a variety of losses are not mourned and are not shared between partners; instead one spouse uses the other for externalization of internal conflict regarding the losses. Loss is neither acknowledged nor mourned, but tends to be experienced as disenchantment with and anger at the spouse. Therapy should entail the sorting out of projections so that the person can resume the ownership of his or her problems. The conjoint format is helpful for dealing adequately with projective distortions; more importantly, it can facilitate mourning and the sharing of losses.