ADOPTIVE MOTHERS AND THEIR CHILDREN: THE TIES THAT (Mostly) BIND

This essay considers two categories of mothers: those considered “real” ones, whose ties to their children are blood-based, and those considered “not-quite-real,” whose connections are not. Adoptive mothers are exemplars of the latter here. The view of adoptive mothers as second class is both culturally embedded and often held by adoptive mothers themselves. Specific difficulties encountered on the edge of normativity are illustrated, as are the defensive illusions frequently created to help the adoptive mother defend against painful feelings of inadequacy. At their best, the aim of such illusions is to facilitate a movement away from what I will call the adoption binary (“I’m not a real mother”) and toward genuine self-acceptance.