‘Desolate and sick of an old passion’: The psychodynamics of falling in and out of love

Falling in and out of love are potentially distressing experiences. This paper was stimulated by the frequency with which the topic occurred in the author's work as a counsellor in a GP clinic. It emphasizes the patterns, similarities and repetitions apparent in the process of falling in love, which can be viewed variously as the response to a need to repeat already experienced events or alternatively a need to experience events which infancy denied. The concepts of emotional memory and different types of attachment patterns are examined. Transference is identified as an important mechanism in the process. It is suggested that gender differences in linguistic behaviour and interpretation are important factors in falling in and out of love. Some interventions in emotional development are briefly discussed, along with the role of the counsellor in facilitating the client's progress from a paranoid-schizoid-like position to a more emotionally mature depressive position which avoids excessive splitting. Throughout, the paper attempts to maintain an awareness of cultural context and changing social expectations.