“I wouldn’t forgive me”: apology, forgiveness from others, and self-forgiveness among incarcerated men and women

This study examines how incarcerated men and women understand apology, forgiveness from others, and self-forgiveness, focusing on how these moral and psychological processes intersect with responsibility, shame, guilt, identity, and change. This secondary qualitative analysis draws on interviews with 23 men and 17 women incarcerated in Israel and uses inductive thematic analysis to examine participants’ understandings of apology, forgiveness from others, and self-forgiveness, including gendered emphases within these accounts. Apology was understood not as a formal or instrumental act, but as a moral practice of acknowledgement, responsibility, and repair. Forgiveness from others, by contrast, was perceived as uncertain, asymmetrical, and not guaranteed; rather than an outcome of apology, it was often imagined as recognition that the person who caused harm is more than the offense. The tension between participants’ desire to be forgiven and disbelief in its realization reflected broader experiences of stigma and moral unworthiness. Within the present sample, gendered emphases were identified: men more often emphasized apology and forgiveness in relation to those harmed, responsibility, and respect, whereas women more often situated these processes within family, belonging, and identity. Struggles concerning self-forgiveness were more often articulated in relation to guilt and responsibility-taking among men and to shame and flawed identity among women. By reconceptualizing forgiveness not as an endpoint but as an uncertain moral horizon, the study contributes to psychological and criminological understandings of desistance and identity change. The findings underscore the importance of addressing apology, forgiveness from others, and struggles concerning self-forgiveness in rehabilitation, while recognizing that interpersonal forgiveness may remain out of reach.