“I feel like I betrayed her”: identity gaps and self-disenfranchised grief following pet loss

One of the most difficult aspects of having a pet is grieving them when they die. However, grief from pet loss is not always supported or mourned publicly because of unclear or restrictive grieving rules – a phenomenon commonly referred to as disenfranchised grief. In addition to disenfranchised grief, pet guardians may experience identity-related tensions which are exacerbated by restrictive grieving rules. Drawing on the Communication Theory of Identity, this study examines the identity gaps that emerge as pet guardians negotiate grieving rules and the legitimacy of their grief. Through phronetic-iterative analysis of over 230 message threads on the subreddit r/petloss, we found two primary identity gaps in posters accounts of self-disenfranchised grief. Specifically, posters experienced gaps between the relational–enacted and relational–enacted–communal frames. Across both of these gaps, communal frames largely defined how “good” pet caretakers handle end-of-life care concerns for their pet, and how they should grieve for them when they are gone. Results demonstrate how communal frames act as superordinate discursive structures that shape how all other identity layers are understood and interrelated. Additionally, we connect the concept of self-disenfranchised grief to identity gaps to demonstrate how silencing grief is both a product of and conduit for identity gaps. These findings underscore the importance of encouraging self-compassion among pet owners grappling with self-disenfranchised grief.