A Medical Student’s Pauses, Perspectives, and Pursuits during Clerkships

In a world of grayI seek the colors of lifeWith a curious eyeAnd a longing heart… well into these supposedly wiser yearsAs I seek a larger meaning in medicine – Beyond saving lives. Beyond my family's pride. Beyond being able to provide. Beyond a home and a wife. Beyond a "stable" life.My childhood friends are already playing house; but I –For the hundredth time over;Watch the different permutations of my lifeThrough modern mirrors,Counting down the years,Making spreadsheets of dreamsFor 2025 … 2029 –Always prefacing my plansWith "after these next two years."I re-read forums about when it will be the right timeTo get on one knee."If I do just one more year, will I be able to moveMy tired mother into the home that she lost?""If I do just one more year, will I be able to buy backThe time I lost with her?"Plus one or two –She wants them to study well – like our parents made us do.The "doctor shoes" my proud mother bought meThree years ago –When this journey first began;Glued to the sterile floorsIn my new home?A new dawn, a new day;A new page, a new patient.My dreams of healing, still taking their hold.As are the whispers in new voices …Of the depth of knowledge I do not yet know;Of the physician's gaze I do not yet possess;Of a sacred oath I have sworn, yet whose gravity is still unworn.My feelings conflictedWashing over me like the most unforgiving tides of the sea …My legs, like boulders, drudge their undeniable presenceUpon the Earth's crust –Leaving mismatched lines of mistakes, learnings, and sorrows;Aging streaks of untimely pauses, juxtaposed perspectives,And somewhat bold pursuits.I am cementing my place – one stride after another;Slow, but constant.Sometimes early, sometimes on time;Yet, somehow always too …Late?Life is suspended.And in between symphonies of beepsAnd lights on monitorsA young girl, a flickering flame,Surrounded by today's restorers.Outside, her parents pray that the sedation lullsBoth body and soul,So fragile, and yet still so bold –We stand over her, in awe.Then, we turn our backs to this responsibility's gnaw,And we say, "We'll do everything we can."Fully knowing we are readying against God –For perhaps just a … draw?Trembling hands, we practice our art,Another day of balancing acts, to protect the most delicate heart.