How not to apply to give a conference paper

Giving conference papers is a crucial part of academic life. It's the prime means of engaging with others in your discipline, getting a face associated with your name and, to use a vile term, networking. However, before you've made it big-time and are being invited to such events, you'll have to respond to calls for papers, or CFPs as they are abbreviated, and this is a bit of an art form.