The Destroyer & The Destroyed: The Testimonio of a Fragmented Mestizx Jota Entrapped Inside a White Straight(jacket)

Buscando compartir un “aja”/conocimiento, I follow the huaraches of Xicanx and Mestizx feminist storytellers by sharing theory in my flesh. A testimonio by a fragmented Mestizx jota entrapped inside a white straight(jacket) constructed by my internalized colonialism. I share this testimonio as a tool to situate my body and articulate the ways my entire being has been broken into pieces by hegemonic power structures. Following Anzaldúa’s (2002) offering to redeem heart-rending memories and transform them into knowledge to empower our communities, I begin by navigating metaphorical/geographical borders of identity to reveal inside painful fissures a “papelito guardado” (Latina Feminist Group 2001). Through poetry and visual art, I uncover my self-inflicted fragmentation and discuss how internalized colonialism provided the tools to split my identity in two—the destroyer and the destroyed. I conclude this paper using a decolonial imaginary (Pérez 1999), by sharing a short story about how I wish my childhood had been in Mexico. An imaginary without the necessity of hiding my jotería and transness.