This paper presents a reflexive exploration of how accumulated secondary trauma can shape a helping professional's response to her own personal trauma. Drawing from my dual experience as a social worker and researcher working with abused and neglected children in East Jerusalem, and as a mother who survived a life-threatening birth due to HELLP syndrome (hemolysis, elevated liver enzymes, and low platelet count), I examine the subtle and unconscious ways in which years of exposure to others' suffering infiltrated my body and mind during my own crisis. Through narrative writing, excerpts from therapeutic dialogues, and psychoanalytic concepts such as projective identification and the "dead mother," I trace the journey of recognizing how my professional caregiving identity collided with my maternal one. The paper offers both a personal and theoretical reflection on the blurred boundaries between caring for others and caring for oneself and on the potential of relational therapy to restore safety, connection, and compassion in the aftermath of trauma.
Mayis Eissa (Sun,) studied this question.