The Role of Self-Compassion in Development: A Healthier Way to Relate to Oneself

The idea that people need high self-esteem in order to be psychologically healthy is almost a truism in Western developmental psychology. Parents are told that one of their most important tasks is to nurture their children’s self-esteem. Teachers are encouraged to give all their students gold stars so that each can feel proud and special. Psychologists worry about the dangerous drop in self-esteem experienced by adolescents as they transition out of childhood and try to find ways to give teens a self-esteem boost. The assumption that high self-esteem is synonymous with wellbeing applies throughout the lifespan. The elderly benefit from high self-esteem as much as anyone, don’t they? The issue is not so simple. In the field of social psychology, scholars are starting to fall out of love with self-esteem. Yes, it is true that high self-esteem is associated with less depression and anxiety, as well as with greater happiness and life satisfaction. However, there are also some dark sides to high selfesteem. For instance, high self-esteem is strongly correlated with narcissism. Twenge [2006] argued that the emphasis placed on self-esteem in American schools and culture at large is responsible for the creation of ‘generation me’, so named because of the steady and consistent rise in narcissism levels among American college students documented since the mid 1960s. Self-esteem is also associated with the better-thanaverage effect, the need to feel superior to others just to feel okay about oneself. Research shows that most people think they are funnier, more logical, more popular, better looking, nicer, more trustworthy, wiser and more intelligent than others [Alicke & Govorun, 2005]. To be average is unacceptable in Western society, so pretty much everyone walks around wearing rose-colored glasses (at least when they are looking in the mirror). This comparative dynamic, however, the tendency to puff ourselves up and put others down, creates interpersonal distance and separation that undermines connectedness.