Paths and Pitfalls

SUMMARY In up to two million couples ever married, one spouse has disclosed or may disclose being gay, lesbian, or bisexual. An increasing number of spouses are coming out, yet the phenomenon remains little known. Disclosing spouses generally find supporting organizations, while their heterosexual spouses find little support or understanding of their issues. Isolated, most cope alone. Dealing with sexual rejection, the challenge to the marriage, and, if they have children, spouse/parent conflicts is followed by handling questions about their own identity, integrity, and belief system. This piece describes issues that heterosexual spouses typically face and stages through which they move from survival to reconfiguring their lives whether or not they stay married. Peer support helps this process that lasts several years or more. Knowledge about spouse's concerns assists therapists working with spouses to help them resolve potentially paralyzing pain, anger, grief, or fear.