An Autoethnography of a University‐Based Teacher Educator Aspiring to Address Theory–Practice Divide: Care Enough to “Time Travel” Despite Vulnerability

Due to the Janus‐faced nature of teacher education, university‐based teacher educators (UBTEs) in TESOL often encounter challenges, including the theory–practice divide and tensions between their sub‐identities. Both challenges can invoke complex emotional experiences and shape their identity construction. To unpack the “black box” of UBTEs' professional work and life, the study took a partial collaborative autoethnography approach to explore how Yuetings (a TESOL UBTE with 20 years of experience) engagement with vulnerability interacted with her ongoing identity construction, as she initiated and implemented care‐motivated pedagogical innovations to address the theory‐practice disconnect. Multiple‐sourced data co‐analyzed by Yueting and her critical friend Ye show that Yueting's professional identity, intertwined with her culturally mediated social identity, facilitated her transformative engagement with vulnerability at the confluence of past, present, and future, but led to her protective engagement with vulnerability when coupled with insufficient collegial support and the macro‐level discourse of performativity and managerialism. By engaging with vulnerability, Yueting temporarily balanced between sub‐identities, refined her understanding of being a TESOL UBTE, and endeavored to enact this identity. The study highlights the nuanced dynamicity of UBTEs' professional identity, the importance of forward‐looking care in constructing their professional identity, and the potential of autoethnography in inviting transformative learning opportunities for both UBTEs and student teachers.